Orange Juice, Pizza, Flamingo, Carrot
Orange juice is awesome. Fucking, fucking, fucking awesome. Someday I'll drink a shitload of orange juice, and then go out recklessly driving so that I get pulled over by a cop, and the orange juice in my system will have raised my blood alcohol level beyond the legal limit and when he gives me the breathalizer, he'll end up throwing me in jail! What a fantastic idea that is. I think I'll go post it up on a website.
But it saddens me to drink orange juice without pulp. It just isn't the same. The pulp is just so integral to the orange juice experience. I need to have so much pulp in my orange juice, that I eat it, and that it is no longer orange juice but some sort of orange pudding. Filled with pulp is how God made orange juice, and me being the avid fundamental christian fanatic I am, must obey the word of God. Drinking pulpless orange juice makes me feel like a heathen, and I must crawl inside a closet in the dark and whisper curses at myself to make myself feel better.
Another note on food: crazy health food pizzas. I found a pizza in my kitchen today. It had about 80 toppings on it. A lot of them were pretty standard: pepperoni, pepperocinis, onions, etc. but many of them were crazy things you dont normally put on pizza, such as broccoli, squash, sun dried tomatoes, etc. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any qualms with any of those ingredients (except maybe the sun dried tomatoes, they freaked me out a bit), but when I took a bite out of it (which took quite a while due to the massive tower of toppings on the pizza), there were too many contrasting flavors in my mouth at once. My brain overloaded, and to fit all of the flavor information I had just recieved, it had to pop out my eye. So there I was, stumbling about my living room, obscure pizza toppings flying everywhere at high speeds from my horrible screams, and blood spraying on everything from my empty eye socket. I eventually had to stick a rusty spoon in there to stop the bleeding. I'm not even sure how that worked.
Most of the following paragraph is a lie, but its awesome anyway. A giant flamingo attacked me today. I fended him off, by breathing acid into its face, a skill I developed recently. It counterattacked by transforming into a giant venomous carrot and bit me. Then I punched it. It died. I then created an antidote from its blood and drank it. Now all is well.
