You thought this was going to be a stupid rant didn't you? Well, be surprised at my medley of random crap, starting with.........
A conversation between a Buddhist guy and Bob, a guy he's trying to convert to Buddhism.
Buddhist guy: So you see, that is how we are all one person. Bob: Wait, so you're telling me that according to Buddhism, I'm everyone in the world? Buddhist guy: Exactly. Bob: Oh my god! Do you realize how rich I am now? Buddhist guy: What do you mean? Bob: If I'm everyone in the world, I have all the money in the world! Holy crap I'm rich! Buddhist guy: Umm, I think you're missing the point. Besides, Buddhism teaches freedom from material desires. Bob: Does it teach freedom from this? *punches Buddhist guy in the face, runs out the door* I'm rich!!! YEHAWWW! *gets hit by a semi* Buddhist guy: *gets up, dusts himself off* Ahh, why do so many of them go this way? *shakes head and walks off*
Next up, an indecisive and rambling joke.
Ok, so Jesus walks into an ice cream shop and he says "Hey bartender, gimme--" Oh wait, no MOSES walks into the ice cream store and Jesus is the bartender and Jesus says "What can I get you?" and then the sheep says "Don't get him anything he already--" Oh yeah, and there is a sheep there and a shepherd. And the shepherd and Moses are holding hands. Oh yeah, and the ice cream shop is in heaven. Ok, so Jesus says "Gimme a rum and coke," and then the sheep says "What do you think this is, an ice cream parlour?" Oh wait, I forgot, Buddha is also there, I forgot about that. And also the entire art museum they are in is upside down, so all of the art displays are on the ceiling. Also Van Gogh is there. And Jesus. So anyway, then Edgar Allen Poe says to John Lennon, "Okay, you can marry my daughter, but under one condition!" Oh wait, actually Buddha is covered with hair for some reason. So anyway, after they tie up the camel, Jesus says to Buddha, "Now that's what I call entertainment!" Get it?
Next up, a ridiculous hypothetical that goes rapidly off topic.
If I were king of the forest, I would build myself a treehouse there and only allow the most privileged animals in. Namely, the animals who can't eat me. The animals who eat me are mean. I got eaten once. It was gross. I had nightmares for weeks. One of the nightmares was about Freddy Krueger. Oh man that guy is scary, because he can only hurt you in your dreams. Wait a minute, that would make him weaker, right, because that limits his accessibility to you. Only other scary guys can't attack you in your dreams. Of course, if you are asleep, they can just kill you. It's kind of easy to kill someone in their sleep, because they can't fight back. Or if they are tied up. Dude, being tied up sucks. It'll give you scars! It gave me scars! No, I'm just kidding, I lied, that happened to my friend. DAMN! Why do I lie like that! Momma told me lying is no good. Momma's awesome, she knows everything. Or at least she did, until I turned 9. Then I realized she was just a rock. Dude rocks are sooooo cool. There something in rocks for everyone. Rocks rock.
Next up, a "do it yourself" tutorial.
How to build your own microwave oven
Materials:
54 1 1/4 inch phillips mod truss self drill screws
1 3 foot x 3 foot piece of sheet metal
6 bottles of superglue
12-15 rolls of duct tape
2 electric pencil sharpeners
A christmas tree stand
1500 feet of extension cord
6 gallons of almond paste
1 teaspoon of laundry detergent
A monkey
3-5 fully automatic firearms
1200 pounds of industrial quality hydrolic lubricant, or a pint of maple syrup
A cupcake
A 1 foot x 1 foot x 1 foot cardboard box
14,645,000 smoke detectors
3 boxes of Captain Crunch cereal
2 musical instruments from the brass section (trombone preferred)
Sandpaper. Lots and lots of sandpaper
1 leprechaun
Directions: Put all materials except for the Captain Crunch in the 1 foot x 1 foot x 1 foot cardboard box. Shake the box. Open the box. Inside should either be a microwave oven, or not a microwave oven. If it is not a microwave oven, close the box and repeat. This may take anywhere from 1 try to infinity tries. Eat the Captain Crunch.
And what would a post of Jaxin's be without an off-the-wall story about a random animal with an ordinary name?
Wally the lizard walked out of his...lizard home, whatever lizards live in...holes or something. Eh, I'll just make something up. Anyway, so Wally walked out of his igloo. "Wow," said Wally, "It sure is tough to live in an igloo when you're cold blooded. Maybe I should move into a hole or something." Wally was on his merry way, but as merry as he was, he had contracted pnemonia overnight, and so he passed out 2.3 seconds after he began on his merry way.
Soon, he found himself inside a lizard hospital. A lizard doctor checked him out with his lizard stethoscope. "Yup, you've contracted old man's disease, also known as pnemonia."
"Will I be alright?" asked Wally.
"Of course, if by 'alright' you mean 'dead'. The pnemonia itself won't kill you, but you've been selected to be cut up and put into the next cafeteria meal! So head on down there now."
"But I can't even walk!" cried Wally.
"Fine," scowled the doctor. "Take this segway. Jeez, the people I have to deal with..."
As Wally made his way to the cafeteria, he suddenly had an idea. What if, instead of being eaten, he tried to leave the hospital! This brilliant idea was unfortunately cut short, since the security system shot him in the face for thinking such thoughts. You can't have dangerous thoughts like that in a lizard hospital.
That's all folks! I actually wrote something, so stop complaining, all one of you.
