Mr. Gerken's Feats of Strength
It was a beautiful, warm morning as it always was in Santa Barbara when Mr. Gerken walked out of his front door. He stopped on his doormat to smell the fresh air and ponder his hatred of fruits and vegetables.
"I did 70 push-ups this morning," Mr. Gerken said to himself.
Mr. Gerken set off down his street, reexamining his hatred of apples. He passed Mrs. Williford, his 70 year old neighbor, who was washing her car.
"Good morning, Mr. Gerken," she said.
"Good morning, Mrs. Williford," he replied.
He continued down his street, whistling.
"Hey there, Gerk!" his neighbor, Mr. Willis, said.
"Hi, Mr. Willis," Mr. Gerken said.
Mr. Gerken continued walking and passed the neighborhood milkman, John.
"How's it going, Gerkie?" the milkman said.
"Pretty good, John," Mr. Gerken replied.
Soon enough, Mr. Gerken was greeted by another neighborhood helper: the mailman, Bob.
"What's up, Gerkmeister?" said Bob.
"Not much, Bob," he said.
People began greeting him he didn't know. A crowd of people began gathering, throwing greetings at him.
"How's the farm, Gerkinator?"
"Uhh, okay, I guess."
"What are your stocks like, Gerk du Jour?"
"I don't really own stock..."
"How many push-ups did you do this morning, your Gerkliness?"
"I...don't...remember..."
Mr. Gerken gave up trying to respond. The crowd was merciless. Mr. Gerken put his hands over his face.
Suddenly, Mr. Gerken cried out.
"Wait!" he yelled. The crowd grew silent.
"What is it, Gerktoria's Secret?" Mr. Whitman, the local war hero, asked.
"My Gerkie sense is tingling!" Mr. Gerken announced.
The crowd murmered and parted as Mr. Gerken darted into the street. Surely enough, a baby lay in the street as a car approached.
Mr. Gerken stood in the middle of the street and yelled, "It's time for...MR. GERKEN'S FEATS OF STRENGTH!" He did his Magic Gerktacular Dance (tm) to warm up. Then he stood between the baby and the car and pushed the car back with all his might. The car stopped inches from the baby.
The crowd cheered and hoisted Mr. Gerken on their shoulders. They carried him away, and no one noticed the baby still left in the street.
