My Admission Essay for the Honors Program at SBCC:
Instructions: Write an essay in which you evaluate yourself as a student. As you present your strengths and weaknesses, discuss what you believe to be the most important qualities and skills of a successfull student, and describe both your best academic experience, and your "proudest moment" as a student.
My self-evaluation as a student on a scale of 1 to 12 would be a 47. I am such a good student, my grades were sooo good they went past A+ and through F all the way back to A's and B's. How did I pull off such an outrageous feat? Simple. I'm awesome. Some of my powers include the ability to summon giant beetles and make things smell like pine sol. Not only that but I count everything in a base 13 counting system. This usually overwhelms the teachers, and they are so confused that they are like, "Well, I might as well give him a 500% (or 284% in a base 13 counting system)."
Of course, if anyone tells you otherwise, they are filling your head with filthy lies. The only teacher recommendation I need is from me, since I am my own teacher. I taught myself to tell the future. Like, I bet you're thinking right now, "What the hell is wrong with this guy?" See? The future is told.
Of course, because of my superintelligent intelligence, I've realized that none of your teachers are good enough to teach me. In fact, in an educational encounter with one of them, it is 284% likely that I'd end up teaching them something. That or their head would explode. But since no teacher would be effective, I assume that I can pay admission through my ability to enlighten others. I would mostly be using the school for my own educational sessions with my friends of equal intelligence. In these sessions we basically study the structure of organic matter while throwing meat at each other in the campus bookstore.
I'm sure that by now, you've realized my superior intelligence and ability to go into a berserker rage, with +1 to hit and +1 to AC. If you want to worship me as your savior and deity, stare at the sun for as long as you can, and you will find me there.
